


but in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

by Itslynxa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25101652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itslynxa/pseuds/Itslynxa
Summary: Merlin's road to self-acceptance in terms of his magic.
Relationships: It's implied anyways, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 36





	but in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't beta'd nor is it completely coherent.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it nevertheless.
> 
> The title comes from the song "Broken Crown" by Mumford & Sons.

Merlin has never been one for self-acceptance.

It doesn’t come naturally to him as magic does. It’s a talent that requires mastering, and he has never been one for talent either, especially in the eyes of someone like Arthur Pendragon, who sees him as an idiotic buffoon. It’s hard for someone like him, a sorcerer, to accept himself when the world around you hates your very core, your kind, based on the acts of the selfish. 

There are times where he starts to think that perhaps, maybe, he could accept himself for once in his life, but then the idea crumbles.

The first time it happens occurs when he’s barely nine summers old, carelessly rushing through the forests of Ealdor, chasing after his childhood friend, William, eyes glowing gold, where he accidentally causes a tree to collapse, almost crushing his friend. 

‘You should be ashamed of yourself. I have been lenient with your magic, Merlin’, William’s mother scolds, ‘but this has gone too far.’

‘I didn’t mean to.’

‘I don’t want you seeing my son any longer, you are a danger to him.’

‘I’m sorry for what happened, I didn’t mean to do it, I can’t control it’, he cannot help but plead.

It doesn’t take long for William to accept Merlin and his apologies, brushing it off as an accident not worth losing their friendship over, and he’s envious of how quick his friend is to accept him. His friend may not despise the very thought of him, nor his magic, but his mother does and that’s enough for Merlin to reject himself over.

-

The next time it happens, he is older by the double, and he has a run-in with a couple of local bandits that are terrorising the village. He takes it upon himself to sort them out, using his magic of course and does a number on them. It’s not until after the fight when he realises something’s wrong, being grabbed by his mother and pulled into the house, the door locked behind them.

‘What did I tell you about using magic?’

‘I know, mum, but they were asking for it.’

‘You could’ve been caught, cariad, you did it in the middle of the village in broad daylight.’

‘But I didn’t get caught.’

‘I’m not always going to be there to warn you. It isn’t safe for you here, my dear, I think it’s time that you explore.’

‘You want me to go?’

‘Of course, I don’t, but being here in Ealdor is no longer safe for you, I think you should go and live with an old friend of mine. He would understand your powers more than I ever could.’

‘I’m not leaving, mum.’

‘You are, and that’s final.’

That’s how he ends up in Camelot; not even a month later.

The road to self-acceptance grinds to a halt when he arrives in Camelot, and the first thing he stumbles across in the kingdom is the execution of a fellow sorcerer on public display. It’s merciless, and he wonders what is wrong with his mother, sending her son of magic here, he most definitely needs to write a letter to her asking of this.

Gaius thinks him a fool, and he supposes he’d be correct, seeing as he initiated a fight with the king’s son on his first day. 

He barely has an opportunity to write to his mother in the first week, but eventually, he does.

Being a servant of the prince does wonders to his self-esteem, knowing that there are worse characters than him, a person of magic. It doesn’t last too long when the chained dragon underneath the castle informs him of his destiny, to bring the peace to the lands alongside the idiotic prince, and he fully plummets into self-rejection once again.

He refuses.

He does not want this destiny; he simply wants to be himself in peace.

But all of that doesn’t matter when the prince is in danger, and he has to accept this fate of his.

-

He meets Lancelot in a forest, whilst being chased by a mythical creature, and from that moment, he knows he has met a friend.

Lancelot is not what he expected - he’s far kinder, respectful and ambitious than he could have ever imagined, and he finds himself envious of the man, understandably so, and when he finds out about his magic, his thoughts are confirmed. Merlin somewhat expects to be sent to the throne room on the acts of treason, based on his entire existence, but that never comes, and he’s glad of it.

Perhaps, with Lancelot, he can find it in himself to accept who he is.

But then, as most positive things in his life do, Lancelot leaves, and the brief hope of acceptance fades.

Merlin’s unsure of how he feels about Arthur.

He thinks that he’s a complete arrogant prat, at least, he did at first. It doesn’t surprise him if Arthur has a similar thought on him too, they do not get along too well after all.

It’s the second year of his life as a servant when he realises that Arthur may not be as bad as he once thought, perhaps even a decent person when his ideas and actions are not dictated by his father, the king.

He hopes that one day, Arthur’s perspectives on things like respect, servants, and even magic, may change, but then he remembers that the man lives to please his father more than the people, and there’s hardly any hope left at all. 

Then, there are incidents like now, where Arthur does show some kind of respect towards him.

‘I hope you know that I trust you, Merlin.’

‘You do?’

‘Yes, but don’t get too big-headed.’

‘If anyone’s going to be big-headed around here, sire, it’s you.’

They laugh, and at that moment, he knows that one day he’ll make a fine king, even if it destroys him in the process.

-

Merlin does not know much of how he feels about magic. He does not question the subject much, in an objective point of view, as it’s much difficult, but there are times like now where he must.

‘I believe that Lady Morgana has magic.’

‘What makes you say this, Gaius?’

‘The dreams that she has, I believe they are prophecy.’

‘Is that so bad? You and I both know that magic is not evil.’

‘Yes, but our word does not matter in the eyes of Uther, and I think that magic can be bad when it’s used in the wrong hands.’

‘Morgana is not like that, there is nothing to worry about.’

He debates telling her about his magic, but never brings himself to, not when he cannot even trust himself.

Though he knows that Morgana is a kind person, the idea of telling her feels wrong, and when she eventually turns against Camelot, he is glad that he hadn’t. 

He wonders where he went so wrong.

In the years that he has known of his destiny, it has never been too glaringly present, but when the druid boy Mordred returns, as a knight, it becomes the most evident it has ever done.

He does not like the man, for the fate that has been chosen for him. It’s been years since Merlin’s realised that he and Arthur are friends, perhaps even more, and he cannot let that be destroyed by a man that he once saved.

He decides to keep him at arms’ length.

It’s when Mordred is wounded that Arthur asks his advice on the matter of magic.

‘What will you do?’

‘I don’t know’, Arthur pauses, ‘my heart says to do anything I can to say Mordred. But I’ve seen what misery unfettered sorcery brings. Before my father outlawed magic… Camelot was almost destroyed by sorcery. In my own time, Morgana has used it for nothing but evil, what would you do in my place?’

‘Me?’

‘I’m just a lackey, maker of beds.’

‘Lackeys can be wise.’

Merlin can’t bring himself to look at Arthur, in the fear of showing his true emotions on the subject.

‘It’s not like you to be silent.’

‘The kingdom’s future is at stake.’

‘And a man’s life.’

‘You must protect Camelot; you must protect the world you spent your life building. A just and fair kingdom for all.’

‘You’d have me sacrifice a friend?’

It’s better than it’s a friend than yourself, but he doesn’t say that.

‘I would have you become the king you’re destined to be.’

‘If I do save Mordred, all of my father’s work will be for nothing. Sorcery will reign once more in Camelot, is that what you’d want? Perhaps my father is wrong, perhaps the old ways aren’t as evil as we thought, so what should we do? Accept magic or let Mordred die?’

It doesn’t matter what he wants, it never truly has. He never chose this destiny for him and Arthur, nor would he ever, it would only end in suffering and pain, at least that’s what he fears. But he knows that if he doesn’t make the right choice, it will end terribly for the both of them, so he decides against himself and his kind, for the sake of Arthur and his kingdom.

‘There can be no place for magic in Camelot.’

It’s this decision that makes him question the goodness of his magic, he has fought time and time again to protect his friend, the man he loves, using magic, but his intentions are good, but are the actions good themselves?

-

None of the questioning matters when Arthur is dying and the ending of suffering and pain has come at full-force. 

He cannot believe that he allowed this to happen, but he knows it’s too late to reverse.

It’s time to reveal himself to Arthur, and even now, after the years of being at his side, he is nowhere near enough ready, but he must.

‘I’m sorry, I thought I defied the prophecy. I thought I was on time.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I defeated the Saxons, the dragon, and yet knowing you, it was Mordred that I must stop.’

‘The person that defeated them was the sorcerer.’

‘I’m sorry, it was me.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin. This is stupid, what, why would you say that?’

‘I’m a sorcerer. I have magic. I use it for you, Arthur, only for you.’

He cannot stop the tears as he holds onto Arthur’s hand.

‘Merlin, you are not a sorcerer, I would know.’

He performs a spell - to prove him wrong, to show him the constant lie. It shouldn’t surprise him when Arthur fitches when he tries to touch him, to console him, but it does.

In the final days of Arthur’s life, he faces the consequences of never telling Arthur the truth of his magic, and finally showing him his truth, feeling severe guilt for being too late.

‘I want you to always be you.’

It’s the eventual turnaround in Arthur’s perspective on his magic that he realises a couple of things, that there’s some hope of bringing peace to Camelot once more, and that if Arthur can accept his magic then so can he, one day.

But as ever, he’s too late to save Arthur, and the hope of the destiny is lost, so perhaps so is his self-acceptance, with his actions of the past decade hitting him as he watches Arthur’s boat float away into the river. 

If he wants to be there when Arthur returns, he shall, unaccepted magic or not, he will not be late this time, even if he’s way too early.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story of mine. I had planned many different ideas for this fandom before this one came and stuck with me. I wrote all of this in less than a day, and that most likely shows in the content. I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to contact me about this fic (or anything else) on Tumblr (my username is the same on there as it is on here).
> 
> Fun fact, I haven't actually watched all of the show yet and I'm only up to season 3 episode 9 but I skipped to season 5 for two episodes, for dialogue reasons, and I started crying.


End file.
